This Is The Day

Soooooooooooo...I don't even know where to start.  First let me start by giving ALL honor and praise and glory to my God.  My Healer.  My Abba.  Today I got the results of my pet scan, and I am officially CANCER FREE.  Wow.  Incredible.  The doctor told me that the pet scan showed no sign of cancer anywhere in my body.  Can I just say, God is GREAT and His promises are TRUE!?!  To those of you who doubt, to those of you who keep him at arms length, I tell you...embrace Him.  He is real.  He is truth and life.  He is everything you ever needed and wanted.  He is.  He just is.   

These past two days have been a constant battle for my mind.  I have been hit with so much opposition mentally.  The first thing that I was struggling with was that if I had not been reading or praying nearly as much as I thought I should, then God was not going to bless me, and that He was not going to heal me, and that I was defeated, because I wasn't good enough or hadn't been spiritual enough.  But clearly, that is a lie.  I could be at the pinnacle of my spiritual walk with God, more close to Him than any other, and I STILL would not deserve and could not earn what He has done in my life.  Not even CLOSE!!  My wise and awesome husband told me the other night, when I was sharing this struggle I was having with him, that me being closer to God would not change whether or not God wanted me healed, and that it would not change the promises of God, but it would change whether or not I was going to let the enemy defeat me in my mind, and how effective I was going to be with the life that has been given to me.  And I was like, YEAH!  The enemy wants to blame and condemn me, and God wants to RESTORE, CONFIRM, ESTABLISH, and STRENGTHEN me.  The only way the enemy can defeat me is in my mind.  So that battle was over.  The next day I was driving in my car, singing one of my anthems, and these verses came out "When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within, upward I look and see Him there, who made an end to all my sin.  Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free.  For God the just is satisfied, to look on Him and pardon me."  And to that, Satan has no reply. 

The other battle I was facing was the "what ifs" that were running through my mind.  I kept hearing about all these people that had breast cancer, and then it spread to their bones, and then to their liver.  And then another story of a woman who relapsed after being cancer free for quite some time.  And more than anything my heart was broken for them, and they are in the forefront of my prayer focus, but in the back of my mind I thought, what if that happens to me.  And my response to that was "No matter what, I will praise my God, and to Him belongs all honor and glory!!"  I thought to myself ahead of time what my response was going to be if I went in there today and they told me my whole body was full of cancer, in my bones, in my liver, everywhere.  And I was going to say "Praise be to God."  I was telling myself that if I was going to suffer more, that it was because something good was going to come of it, and that it just wasn't my time yet.  I was still healed, and still free, but it just wasn't going to be manifested yet in my life.  I wanted to use that situation to glorify Him even more!  And the darker the cloud, the more fierce the opposition, the greater God would be portrayed when He defeated them.  The greater the trial, the greater the glory!  That was what I prepared myself to say.  I was ready for whatever was to come, and actually excited just to know one way or the other. 

But, God decided today was my time!  And I am healed.  When this all started, God told me in my spirit, "I the Lord am your Healer."  And I can't tell you how many times the enemy has tried to steal that from me.  I am so thankful that all of you were praying for me and covering me, and especially for my husband who shared with me my darkest moments, and who I know was constantly striving in prayer for me, and was filled with Godly wisdom and encouragement.  I am so thankful.  So blessed.

So the next steps are still the same.  I will still have surgery in about a week and a half, and then radiation about four weeks after that.  The doctor said that doing so would greatly reduce my risk of recurrence.  So this particular journey is not over yet, and I still ask for your prayers.

What a wonderful thing God has done in me these last six months.  I am so thankful.  Thank you God!

Heart Strings

I have a prayer request.  The chemo medicine that I am still supposed to take for a year has the potential to cause heart damage.  This past week, I started getting swollen feet and ankles, which is one of the symptoms of heart issues.  (I thought I was done with canckles after Michael was born.  I guess not.  Hee hee.)  Anyway, I have been having other weird symptoms here and there that could or could not be linked to heart problems.  The nurse said today that it could just be residual effects from my last chemo treatment.  I am going in this Wednesday morning for an echo cardiogram, and so I wanted to ask you all to please pray that my heart would be strong and healthy. 

This weekend, when I got to thinking about having issues with my heart, all those fears came rushing back at me with full force.  The enemy just doesn’t give up does he?  Doesn’t he know he is defeated already??  Anyway, it just amazed me how strong those fears could hit me again.  But this time around I was able to fight faster and stronger than before.  I had just been doing so well physically lately that it was almost like I let my guard down for a moment.  It was a good reminder for me that this battle I am in is never over, not even after they tell me the cancer is all gone.  I had a really cool revelation today.  Needless to say, this heart stuff has still been on my mind just from talking about it with family, picking up medicine they called in for me, looking at my fat ankles while having my feet propped up.  So this morning, in the car on the way to work, I was singing the song “Hosanna” and part of the song says “Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen, Show me how to love like you have loved me.  Break my heart from what breaks yours, Everything I am for your kingdoms cause, As I go from nothing to Eternity.”  And it dawned on me that I was singing about my heart.  And I thought…how cool is that?  My heart is His, and it is whole, and if it is going to break, it’s going to break for Him.  Then again tonight I was listening to worship music, and singing the song “Forever Reign” and part of the song says “My heart will sing no other name…Jesus.”  And once again, it dawned on me that I was singing about my heart.  And once again I thought…how cool is that?  And then as I have been listening to worship music throughout the rest of the night, it seems like every other song has some lyrics about the heart.  And now as I am sitting here typing this, I am thinking that it feels as though God has been singing over me all day.  Singing over my heart.  Singing to my heart.  And my heart is just overtaken with peace.  There is no love like God’s love.  I feel like my heart could explode with joy in knowing God.  Check out this verse from Zephaniah 3:17 “THE LORD YOUR GOD IS IN YOUR MIDST, A MIGHTY ONE WHO WILL SAVE; HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH GLADNESS; HE WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE; HE WILL EXULT OVER YOUR WITH LOUD SINGING.”   I just can’t hold back the tears after reading that. 

Done With Chemo

I am finally done with chemo!!!  Well, at least the bad stuff.  I have been on three different drugs, and two of them I am done with.  I still have to take one of them through the end of the year, but it only attacks the cancer cells, so it doesn't make me feel bad like the other ones do.  I am sooooooooooooo thankful how God has carried me through these treatments.  I feel so blessed that the side effects were not as bad as what I know they could be.  The last treatment was not that bad.  I am still having really weird side effects, like my toes are numb and I think my fingernails might be breaking off, but I don't really care...I'm done!!  I had an appointment with my general surgeon this week to go over the plans for surgery, and when he did an exam, he said he couldn't feel anything.  So awesome!  The surgery will be on April 3rd.  Until then, I have to do an echo cardiogram since the one chemo drug I will be on until the end of this year can do damage to my heart.  I also have to do a pet scan to see how much, if any, of the cancer is left.  And I also have to do preadmission testing.  So I think these three weeks and a half weeks before the surgery are going to fly by.

Yesterday while driving into work, I was singing Healer, by Kari Jobe, at the top of my lungs, and suddenly I was reminded of how I used to sing that song before I was diagnosed with cancer.  I have always loved that song, and I can remember singing it back then, and thanking God then that He healed me from so much, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It was just crazy thinking of how I used to sing that song, not knowing the trials that were coming.  I am thankful that I am still singing it with the same, if not more, fire and passion.  I am just overwhelmed by God.  Overwhelmed.  Then on the way in to work today, I heard a prayer request for a girl named Jamie, who was in her thirties, had two children, and has been diagnosed with rare form of cancer.  The doctors have told her that it is terminal, and that there is not much hope.  But tomorrow they are doing some kind of surgery.  Her friend that was calling in the prayer request said the most amazing thing about her.  She said that while Jamie has asked for prayers for healing, she said that her number one prayer request is for God to give her a powerful testimony through this.  How awesome?  I would love to meet her.  The word testimony has taken on such a powerful meaning to me through all of this.  Testimony is what makes all of what we are going through worth something.  It's part of how we overcome.  So please pray for Jamie tomorrow, for healing, but also and more so for her testimony.  That many many people would come to know and love God through her testimony, and that she would find strength and fulfillment in that.  And please pray for her children, and for her family.

Thank you so much again for how you all have blessed me and my family during this time with your acts of kindness, and with your prayers.  Where would I be without all of you???  With all of my heart, thank you.