I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged in a while. I have had a rough week, but thankfully I am starting to feel better. This fourth treatment was not fun. I had a sore throat that felt like strep from Friday to Tuesday, and it hurt so bad every time I swallowed. The doctors said it was sores from the chemo medicine and all I could do was to take Loritab for the pain, which I did. Monday I also took another medicine just incase I had an infection going on that they couldn’t see, and the medicine made me feel so dizzy and nauseous. It was awful. On top of all that, I was extremely weak and tired. After brushing my teeth and mouthwashing forty times a day, and saying hello to my husband and babies, I just didn’t have the gumption to do much more than lay around and stare at the ceiling. I have had hot flashes like crazy this time too. I’m talking literal sweat pouring down my brow one minute, and freezing cold the next. Then today I lost all the taste in my mouth. Everything tastes like nothing. Jonni asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I joked that I wanted ice cream, so he told me to try a bite to see if it tasted good. So I tried a bite of some delicious mouthwatering Hagendaz ice cream in our freezer, and…nothing. I’ll admit it, I cried.
And then, I had a revelation. Over this past week, I was feeling so crummy physically that I felt crummy emotionally and spiritually. I was just so zoned out and tired and focused on my pain that I could hardly even pray. And then the more I didn’t pray or read my Bible, the worse and worse I felt. And then I started entertaining lies like God wasn’t near to me, and that He didn’t want me to be well, that He was punishing me. And then I started getting really fearful. It was awful!! Just awful.
So today, when I was crying over my ice cream, it dawned on me that I had left my Source. All week long, I quit doing the things that were keeping me connected to God, and forgot all the promises of God that made me strong. Last week, I needed more than Loritab, more than magic mouthwash, more than ice cream. I can think of several times in my life where I have prayed to God that I would be set free from the desire of anything that I desire more than Him. I don’t want to be entangled by anything that I look to for comfort or peace or joy or strength more than God or before God. Sure, God put things here on this Earth for us to find comfort and peace and joy and strength in, but they all come from His hand first, and if we forget that they come from Him, and that to find true comfort and peace and joy in the midst of the worst pain and suffering you have to be connected to Him, then we are setting ourselves up for a life full of pain and suffering. We can always say “if only had this or that, fill in the blank, then I would feel better.” And yeah, it might make you feel better temporarily. But we never have the excuse to say “If only I knew God more, or if only I had more of God in my life, then I would feel better.” We always can have more of Him, and He is the only thing that we have that, if we want it, we will never be without it, and that will truly satisfy us in every way. He never changes. He never fades. He is the only constant in a life full of variables. Everything of this world is variable, and everything in this life can change in the blink of an eye. But God stays the same, and His promises are always there.
So in a sense I am thankful for the pain, and thankful for the fact that even good ol ice cream can’t do it for me anymore. It just brings me one step closer to finding my all in God. And He really does satisfy. I am thankful of being stripped of worldly pleasures and suffering so that in the midst of it I can know what it means to have surpassing pleasure and fulfillment in Christ. I thank God for allowing me to go through a dark week, so that I can appreciate and find greater value in the warmth of His light in my heart today. I love the passage in scripture about spiritual treasure in clay jars. We are so weak, but He is strong. He is so powerful! Here is my prayer…that through this trial, life would be at work in me and in all who read this. That though outwardly we may be wasting away, inwardly, we would be renewed day by day. That through my testimony, God would be given more glory. That our eyes would be focused on what is unseen, what lasts forever, and that the troubles that we face in this life would help us all gain an eternal glory that is much greater, and that we would long for that more than anything that this life has to offer.
Here's the truth, my medicine:
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps 73:25-26)I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (Jhn 16.33)
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Ps 119.50)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (Jhn 14.27)
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Ps 46:1)
Abraham did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. (Rom 4:20-21)
May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thes 3:16)
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Cor 4:7-18)
