Decisions

I don’t know why it is that I get my inspiration to write at 1 o’clock in the morning, but that is how I have been lately.  Lord knows I need rest, but I just can’t sleep sometimes.  So why not blog, right?  And thank God for naps!  The past few days have been rough on my body.  It is weird that with each treatment, the symptoms seem to change up on me.  It seems like with every new symptom, the doctor will give me a medicine to fix it, and then another weird symptom will pop up.  The other night I couldn’t sleep because my back was hurting me, so instead of getting up, I tried to pretend I was fine, but I spent the whole night tossing and turning, in and out of sleep.  Then when I got up, I was hurting so bad in my lower back and thighs that I thought I had pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve or slipped a disc.  It was awful.  I couldn’t do anything to get relief, so eventually I took the frozen bag of corn off my lower back and took a loritab.  And it took the edge off considerably.  I had an appointment later that day to talk to the plastic surgeon that would be doing my reconstructive surgery, and so I decided to stop by the oncologists office to ask them about my back, and they assured me that I was having those pains from the Nulasta shot they give me to boost my immune system.  They were right, because the next day it was gone, for the most part, thank God.  I also had three bloody noses that day.  Not my first bout with that.  Thankfully I was home for all three.  And this time around I have been more nauseous as well.  But all in all, I’m doing great!  For real.  I feel so blessed not to have had worse or longer lasting symptoms than the ones I have had.  This whole experience has been surreal in many ways.  There are moments that I forget that I even had breast cancer, because the Lord has filled my life with so many other blessings that take my focus off of sickness.   Stuff that overshadows cancer.  One thing is for sure, cancer isn’t receiving the spot-light in my mind or in my life.  I won’t allow that.  I can’t.  Having said that, there are still those moments when a thought will pass through my mind that sends fear right to my very core.  I recently saw an article about a woman younger than me that died of breast cancer.  She was Miss Venezuela, so it was very publicized.  Her prognosis sounded the same as mine, and she was gone in a year, and she had a two year old little girl, just like me.  I knew not to look at the article, but I did, and that was a rough night.  And tonight we watched The Help, and the mother in the movie says that she is feeling better from the cancer, and the doctors told her that people start to feel better before it is the end, but that she decided she is not going to die, and in the movie she doesn’t die, but in the book she dies.  And all of sudden, for a split second I think, well I’m doing pretty good, what if I am just like her, and just like Miss Venezuela, and what if I’m about to die.  But then I realize, I’m not just like anybody.  I am a daughter of God.  Unique.  Individually hand-crafted by God.  Holy and dearly loved. God has prepared me before I was even born for this moment.  People ask me all the time, “Aren’t you scared?”  To say that I never have moment where fear grips me would be a lie, but I know fear of anything other than God is a lie.  So anytime a thought comes across my mind that causes me to fear, I know it is of the enemy, and I rebuke it…with the Word of God.  And you know what?  It flees.  With tears in my eyes as I type this, I tell you, it flees.  I am so very thankful for that peace that can only come from God.  It passes understanding.  It is real.  More real than cancer.  Another question I get a lot is “Have you ever asked, why me?”  And I can honestly say that is one question I have never asked through this experience.  I never asked that because I know me.  What I have done, who I have been, and I put that past tense on purpose, because that is not me now.  You ever hear that parable from the Bible that says the person who had the greater debt canceled loves and appreciates more than the person who had a small debt canceled.  Well I love my God very much because I am forgiven of very much.  I am so thankful for every single blessing in my life, because I think of all the things my life would like without God, and let me tell you, it would be awful.  Something I heard in the movie tonight that I really liked  was when one of the characters said “Everyday that you wake up and you ain’t dead in the ground, you gotta make a decision…”  And that’s just it.  As soon as my feet hit the floor everyday, I have a decisions to make.  Lots of decisions.  Big ones.  Small ones.  But only one that really matters.  Am I going to be defeated, by a lie no less, or am I going to overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony?  Seems like a no-brainer, but it ain’t easy, and it didn’t come cheap.  The Words in red say “With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  I'm thankful to be on the winning team.            

Merry Christmas

I hope that everyone had a Christ-filled Christmas.  Mine was great.  Soooo thankful for Emmanuel.  How horrible my life would be without God.  Since my last post, I had my third of six chemo treatments.  Half way there!!  My sister in law Maria came with me, and they actually let her sit with me through most of it.  We had fun.  Took goofey pictures, and she kept me laughing.  Thanks Tia Ria.  Things have been going really well.  My doctor told me that she could not feel the tumor anymore in one of the places where she had felt it before.  Praise God, my Healer!!  I have definitely been way more tired this time than before.  My babies are wearing me out physically, but thankfully, I have had so much help from my wonderful family!  It is so hard for me to ask for help, and rather frustrating at times because I just want to do something myself.  But I have had to learn to suck it up, and ask for help, and I am so blessed to have people around me that genuinely love me and want to help.  Christmas day I started feeling crummy, but by today, I am feeling better.  I have been yawning excessively, and actually got a cramp in my chin muscle from yawning so much.   You know how it feels when you get a Charlie horse in your foot and your toes get all cramped up??  Well that happened in my chin…craaaazaaaaaay!  Pretty comical if you ask me. 

I won’t type much more for now, but I just want to say how thankful I am to God for my life, all included.  This experience has not caused my life to come to a screeching halt.  It hasn’t made me stop living the life I wanted.  It has actually made me feel more alive than I ever have before.  How awesome that being face to face with death can bring more life?  It’s a paradox.  I now sing louder, cry harder, love deeper, pray more fervently, and all that and everything!  With each passing day I want to be nearer to God than I ever was before, and I am nearer to God now than I ever have been before.  I want so much more of God and His purpose than I had in my life prior to cancer, and I will have it.  Thank you God for all that you are.  Thank you for the work that you are doing in my life.  Thank you thank you thank you.                    

Please Pray for My Friend

Please pray for my friend Clem, and his wife Joan.  Joan has cancer and she is not in good condition right now, and needs our prayers, and Clem has problems with his back that cause alot of pain.  Thank you.

Healing. Father, heal Joan and Clem by the power of Your Word.

Thank you for sending Jesus to bear our sins in His body

so that by His wounds they might be healed. (Ps. 107:20;

1 Pet. 2:24)

Faith. May Joan & Clem continue to trust in You, regardless of their

physical condition. May they be strengthened in their faith,

being fully persuaded that You have the power to do what

You have promised. (Job 13:15; Ro. 4:19-21)

Laughter. Grant Joan & Clem a cheerful heart. Turn their weeping

into joy. (Prov. 17:22; Ps.126:2-6)

Music. Give Joan & Clem a new song—a song of praise to You.

Dwell in them richly, and surround them with psalms, hymns,

and spiritual songs. Even in their darkest moments, fill them

with the music of worship. (Ps. 40:3; Col. 3:16; Acts 16:25;

Job 35:10)

Wisdom. God of wisdom, please guide Joan & Clem in the many

decisions they must make during this illness. Give them the

confidence that You are leading him in love and power.

(Ps. 32:8; Prov. 3:5-6; Jas. 1:5)

Purpose. Continually remind Joan and Clem of the hope and future

You have in store for them. Show them how their life impacts and

enriches others. Help them to see that despite their weaknesses,

You have great plans for them that You will act out according

to Your good purpose. (Jer. 29:11; Eph. 2:10; Phil. 2:13)

Life-giving words. Give Joan & Clem the ability to speak apt words

that build up those who listen. (Prov. 25:11; Eph. 4:29; Col. 4:6)

Perspective. Daily renew Joan & Clem inwardly, Lord. Guard them

from focusing on their present condition, and help them to view

life from Your perspective. Remind them that their troubles are

achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs what they suffer

now. (2 Cor. 4:16-18)

Presence. Lord, assure Joan & Clem that You will go ahead of them

in all the challenges of life. Even when they cannot feel Your

presence, give them the faith to trust that You will never

leave him. May they be able to say, as Job did, “My ears had

heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” (Ex. 33:14-15;

Josh. 1:9; Heb. 13:5-6; Job 42:5)

Refuge. Thank You, Lord, that You will never allow Joan & Clem

to suffer more than they can bear. Prompt them always to turn

to You for refuge. (1 Cor. 10:13; Ps. 25:20)

Freedom from fear. Christ Jesus, please guard Joan & Clem’s heart

and mind. You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of

power, love, and of a sound mind. Give them peace that

passes understanding. Help them to think thoughts that are

true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and

praiseworthy. (2 Tim. 1:7; Phil. 4:7-8)

Comfort. Father of all compassion, please comfort Joan & Clem in

all their troubles. And then, Lord, bring someone to them with

whom they can share this sweet comfort. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

Hope. God of hope, please fill Joan & Clem with all joy and peace

as they trust in You so that they may overflow with hope by

the power of Your Spirit. Thank You that as they continue

to hope in You, they will never be disappointed. (Ro. 15:13;

Is. 49:23)

Perseverance. Cause Joan & Clem to rejoice because they know that

You are using this trial to produce perseverance, character,

and hope. Deepen their conviction that when they have stood

this test, You will give them a crown of life. May they imitate

those who through faith and patience inherit what you have

promised. (Ro. 5:3-5; Jas. 1:2-4,12; Heb. 6:12)

Glory. Glorify Yourself in Joan & Clem’s struggle, Lord. Display

Your work in their life by demonstrating Your grace and power

in their weakness. (Jn. 9:3; 2 Cor. 12:9-10)

Five Minutes or Fifty Years

It has been a while since I last blogged.  I am sorry that I have not been sending any updates.  I have a huge praise report!  I had more genetic testing done a few weeks ago, and they tested me for one particular mutation called PT53, which if I did have it, that put me in a high risk category for sarcoma of the uterus and ovaries, and it would put the children in high risk categories for pediatric cancers.  So if I did have it, they said I would have to get a total hysterectomy, and also that my mother and sister would be at risk and need hysterectomies.  They also said that my children would have to go and get tests done and see a pediatric oncologist.  You get the picture…not good.  But it came back that we are free and clear!!!  Praise God!!  I still have not been having very bad side effects from the chemotherapy.  There are a few days were I feel crummy, but then I get back to normal, for the most part.  This time around I have been mostly tired, and my mind is just not up to speed some days.  In the beginning, I was having trouble sleeping, but not anymore.  I had a few days where I got a really bad sore throat, but thankfully it went away.  Thank God for Zicam.  I am officially a Zicam junkie.  That stuff is amazing!  There have been a few times where my throat started to feel like it was hurting again, and I sprayed that stuff in there, and it went away so fast.  I am so thankful to God for getting me through this time.  He has blessed me with health, and with all of you who are praying and supporting me and my family.  I can’t tell you how thankful I am for all of you, and for all that you have done.  I go in this Thursday for my third of six treatments.  I’m excited.  I can’t wait to kick some more cancer butt!

I had a friend of mine who is also going through cancer call me a little over a week ago.  She is battling liver cancer.  My heart ached for her, because her type of cancer is more serious than mine, and I just kept thinking about how I would feel if I were in her shoes.  She mentioned a friend of hers that had liver cancer also, and that they had told her she didn’t have much longer to live.  I was afraid to ask her if they had told her that same thing.  I don’t know why, but I didn’t ask.   But I told her not to let any doctor tell her how long she was going to live, or when she was going to die.  No one knows that.  Only God.  I have heard WAY too many stories since this has happened of people who had been told they were going to die soon, and 10, 20, 30 years later, they are still alive and kicking.  I remember the first night after I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t know anything more than it was breast cancer.  The doctor told me all kinds of details, but all I heard was, you have cancer.  So I laid there in my bed all night thinking about whether or not I was going to live to see my babies grow up, and thought about leaving my husband alone and how hard that would be for him.  And the next day, I called my doctor back to ask if they could talk with me again, and I remember the feeling I had when she told me that what I had was completely treatable.  Tremendous relief.  And that is normal.  I know.  But later that day, I thought to myself, why is that a relief?  Is my hope in this life or the next?  Should I really be relieved that my doctor told me that breast cancer would not kill me?  How do I know I won’t die in a car accident on the way home today?  Yet I don’t live in fear of that everyday on my way home from work.  So why I am going to fear this?  Only God knows the number of my days.  I didn’t want to be relieved by the fact that someone here told me I was going to have a long life on this earth.  I didn’t want earthly consolation.  I needed more than that.  I wanted to live a life that no matter what happened to me on this earth, that my hope in Christ was secure.  And I thought that my reaction revealed a little bit of misplaced hope, and misplaced trust, and that scared me more than anything I think.  So I had a whole lot of thinking and praying and house cleaning to do after that.  I don’t want anything in this live to cause me to want to be here on this earth more than I want to be with my God in Heaven.  Should I really fear anything that would send me there sooner?  Like I have slipped out of God’s hands and oops, my life was cut short??  No.  And technically, because I am in Christ, I won’t ever “die”.  I will have eternal life with God in Heaven!  God allowed this to happen to me.  Why?  I have some theories.  But maybe I won’t really know until I get to Heaven, and at that point, I don’t think I’ll really care.  So then, as long as I am here, no matter what the current condition, I want to walk closely with the Lord, and abide in Him, and He in me.  I want to walk with Him, at every moment, and fulfill the plans that He has for the life He has given me.  So whether I have five minutes or fifty more years, my life belongs to Lord.  I will not fear the perils of this life.  I will not despair.  My hope is secure in Jesus Christ.  He is my Fortress and my Refuge and so much more.  Today, right now, I am still here, and I will serve Him and worship Him.    

I Will Not Be Shaken

Well round two of my treatment has been pretty good to me so far.  I am definitely more tired this time, but that may just be because my babies are back at home and keeping me busy, which is fine by me.  And it has been really hard to focus my thoughts, but that may have just been because I was wearing my blonde wig...hahaha!  But really, it has been hard for me to concentrate, so forgive me if I ramble.  I have been a little nauseous here and there, but nothing major, and I haven’t had anymore awful stomach pain.  Praise God!!  A week or so after my first treatment, I noticed a significant change in the size of the tumors in my breast and my lymph node.  They felt a lot smaller, but I thought I would wait to say anything until my next doctor’s appointment.  And at my second treatment, the doctor did an exam and said that the tumors were indeed smaller!!  What an encouragement?!?  Praise the Lord my Healer!!  Speaking of healing, I wanted to ask all of you that are praying for me, or that have me on prayer chains, please also add Mildred Williams.  Yet another person I have found out has Stage 4 cancer in her lungs and back.  Please pray for her.  I know personally how easy it is  to get discouraged and overwhelmed when you think about all the people in the world that are sick and hurting.  I got a devotional the other day that was titled “Disappointments” and it talked about how discouraged we can become when life doesn’t turn out like we thought, and all the questions that come to mind when we don’t see our hopes and prayers fulfilled.  It makes your heart sick.  But those are the times when we are left with the choice of to cling or not to cling.  God is not overwhelmed, and God is not discouraged.  And when we allow fear and worry and discouragement to rule our thoughts, we are actually saying that we don’t believe He is who He says He is.  And HE IS!  So we should never fret and never fear, except fear the great I AM.  So what do I say when the darkness closes in?  Psalm 62:5-6 “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

Two Down, Four To Go

I wanted to start this post by sharing an awesome text message that we got from our friend Michael.  He said that he was walking past a group of people at church, and he overheard them praying for me.  There are tears rolling down my face now as I think about that text.  I know I have said to so many of you that I can't possibly tell you how much your prayers mean to me, and you may think it is cliche, but I assure you it is not.  With all my heart thank you.  And thank you Erin for an amazing, I say again, amazing dinner tonight.  Please send me the recipes for everything!  And thank you to my sister who came and scrubbed, sterilized, and disinfected my home today.  And thank you mom for coming with me to my treatment, and for all your sweet gifts, and for talking and praying with me.  And thank you Jonni for loving me and our children more than I could possibly fathom...and for shaving my head when we got home today.  Yes, I am officially bald bald now.  It feels great! 

I went in today for my second chemo treatment.  It was not that bad, but it took about all day.  My mom took me to get some cute scarfs at Brookwood mall afterwards, so that was fun.  During my first chemo treatment, I felt at one point really spacey, like I was having an out of body experience, but I just thought it was after effects of the amnesia from when I had surgery to put my port in.  But then again today, I had the same thing, so I asked the nurse about it, and she said that one of the drugs she was giving me to help with nausea and vomiting was small dose of a narcotic!  Crazy!!  She said I didn't have to take that one next time and we could see how I do, so I might not.  I googled it when I got home, and I think it is more to help you mentally not anticipate getting sick, so you don't get sick, rather than it physically helps you not to get sick somehow.  More proof of just how powerful our mind/body connection is huh?  Interesting.

When I was there today, the chemo room was packed, and there was only one seat left, so got to talk to alot of people.  There was a man sitting next to me who has lung cancer, and after we had small-talked a few moments, he pulled a picture out of his pocket and showed it to me.  It was his grand-daughter, and he told me that she was his inspiration.  She was born with cancer, and had tumors in her brain, and they had to remove her left eye.  The doctor's said that she was not supposed to live very long.  She is 16 years old now.  Wow.  But that is not the really good part of the story.  Tears started pouring out of my eyes as he told me that the little girl's cousin, who was 11 at the time of her birth, kept insisting that he must go and pray for her.  So finally they took him up to the hospital, and the let him in to see her briefly, and they all held hands, and he prayed this short prayer: "God, Courtney will live and not die, so she can declare the works that you have done."  (Psalm 118:17)  Yep.  I was balling like a baby.  But how awesome is that?  And she is here today.  And that little boy is my inspiration.  I later overheard the man telling one of the nurses about her and showing off her picture, and the nurse said "You know, young children are just fighters.  It's like they don't know anything but to fight.  They don't give up like grownups sometimes do."  And I thought how profound that statement was.  I wonder if that is part of what God meant when He said for us to have child-like faith.  To live a life where we don't succumb to fear, and anxiety, and worry, and despair, and hopelessness, and defeat, because we have a child-like faith that trusts fully in the Lord.  I'm not saying children are completely innocent, because I know we are all born into sin.  I just don't think their little minds have yet been defiled and polluted by the enemy when they are that young, to the extend that older children and adults' minds have been, which again draws me back to the whole mind/body connection.  There is a very powerful connection there.  The Bible has so much to say about this.  I could go into a whole schpeil (however you spell it) here, but if you are interested, just google "what does the Bible say about the power of our words" and read.  I felt some serious "merciful conviction" from the Lord, (as my life group leader liked to say), when I read verse after verse about it.  When you read through the gospels, you hear time after time how Jesus cast out demons, and healed, and forgave sins, and defeated temptation...with a word.  One of my favorite stories in the Bible is in John 18.  It is when the officers came to arrest Jesus in the garden, and Jesus said who are you looking for?  And they said Jesus of Nazareth.  And Jesus said three simple power packed words..."I am he."  And next it says "When Jesus said to them, I am he, they drew back and fell to the ground."  HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?  It's like he went up and busted each one of them in face, and threw them down to the ground with his sheer manly physical force...but he didn't.  He just spoke the words "I am he."  Gives me goosebumps.  That same power is there for us, but we have to decide if we are going to speak life or death, blessings or curses, careless words or intentional words of life.  And out of the heart the mouth speaks.  I used to joke all the time about this freckle, or this bump, or this headache..."Oh I have a tumor!"  Hmmm.  Am I saying I gave myself cancer?  I don't know, but that's not the point really.  The point is that from now on, I am going to guard my words, and guard my thoughts, so that I am not conformed to the pattern of speaking and thinking of this world.  God please let me see through your eyes, think your thoughts (ofcourse I'll never be able to do that fully until I get to Heaven), speak your words, love with your heart, live out your purposes.  I want a heavenly perspective.  I want the things in the spiritual realm to be more real than that things that I can see and touch and hear with my body.  Do I even know what I am asking for, and what this will take?  Maybe not, but I don't want to settle for the alternative.  Please forgive me and cleanse me from all the careless words and careless thoughts, and please help me to be the person you created me to be, and to accomplish what you created me to accomplish.